But what do I know...

I'm feeling a wee bit philosophical, mushy, or whatever state I'm in that I can't pin point. So I'm going to rant about the topic that seems to be on everyone's mind, the issue that everyone seems to have problem with, the single thing that technology that still can't help to improve, and probably would never be able to: Love.

/It's almost ironic that I'm listening to Courtney Love while writing this. Anywayy.

Is there rules for love? I sometimes wonder when you hear all these relationship "expert" telling people how they should behave in a relationship. All these "trend" you can look for, and all these things you have to do. Days after days you see on MSN singles looking for love (or sex. For some people it's the same thing.), articles offering advice to look for Mr./Ms. Right. You keep thinking something this trivial should be natural for us. We've survived generations after generations, surely we should've got the hand of it now, right?

Okay, so we haven't. Where are we going wrong. If I could answer that question don't you think I should've written a book and earn lots of money now? (And you know how much money you can earn for writing books like that. Ask Dr. Phil.)

I still think it's all to do with the pursuit of happiness. Once you have two people who understand that and work towards the same goal, then it's all set. It's never as easy as that is it? No two people will truly have the same goal, and the same outlook on everything in life. Finding the person most compatible to you becomes the biggest problem.

And then there's the age old problem of loving someone who you know isn't going to get you anywhere. Been there, done that. Why does that happen anyway? Surely you know it's not where happiness lies, yet our heart just kinda stuck to that dream.

And how do we meet that someone? Personally, I think fate would bring you that person, but then again, maybe not. I always oppose to knowing someone for the sake of dating, reason why I tend to only go out with good friends of mine and then leave a big mess. So who's right?

Personally: I don't believe in people changing. Well, at least not changed by someone else. You can change yourself and sometimes that change might even stick and you might even be more comfortable with the new you. But then again, I always just be who I'm most comfortable with. (scary isn't it? Just "Choose who you want to be") If you don't expect anything to change, stand back and look at the picture and can be happy with it, you have yourself a keeper. Don't ever just "settle" because you never know when your perfect match may come by, and if you're "settled" with someone just out of the fear of loneliness, maybe that's your chance of happiness gone.

Well, just my thoughts. Of course if I've known anything about it, I would be out there earning big bucks like Dr. Phil is... :P

Quick blog

Gonna try my best to work as much as I can today. I'll even try not to complain about the stats in those medical journal. Wish me luck!

Paranoid Andriod

I've been feeling this sense of fear for a while now. I can't quite explain it.

It's one of those intangible feeling I've got. I can't quite put my finger on it. It's as if I think something bad is about to happen. Exactly what the something bad is I can't quite feel it.

Maybe it's just the PhD project. I've always feel like I can do better. Even though no one ever tells me that I'm not good enough. Am I being too harsh to myself? Possibly. But then again, almost no one has ever tell me that that I'm not trying hard enough, and yet I never really feel like I'm doing enough work. Ever since I was a kid I would force myself to do my very best. At the same time I know that sometimes I'm just putting up a front to fool people into thinking I know what I'm doing. Than again: aren't we all doing that in a sense or another?

If you ask me whether I think I know my field, I really wouldn't know what to say. I can't say I'm an expert in it, in fact I refuse to say that I'm good at anything at all (partly because I don't believe I am good at anything.) Take signal processing. There's a lot I don't understand, and a lot that I wish I can understand better. But for some reason I still got an A for the paper. Does that show how flawed the granding system is? Or does it show that there's a lot about myself that I don't know?

Sometimes I really wonder if my brain is doing more than I am consciously aware of. Sometimes Pete will catch me in deep thought, and when he ask me what I'm thinking I wouldn't have a clue. I know I was thinking. This sort of background thinking goes on a lot. Maybe the neurons are just making random connections, or maybe there is a cunning plot going on against me at the back of my head.

I'm thinking too much again...

Motivation... or the lack of it

So unmotivated...

I think I really need to set some sort of rules for my days. Like actually work a full day rather than spending half of it daydreaming. It's not as easy as it sounds, my attention span is about as long as a ferret's, and my train of thoughts goes off rail most of the time.

Maybe I should force myself to read at least 2 papers a day and otherwise I won't eat... That might do it...

Rain

After a beautiful long weekend, the weather's turned crap again. It's not really unexpected anyway, seeing this IS Auckland afterall. But then again, I still enjoy the occasional sunshine you know.

Still don't know why I can't work while it's raining. It's like something's not right. I don't know whether it's because it depresses me, or whether it's the perfect weather for sleeping and nothing else. Nevertheless, I think I'd have to get my ass into uni today at some stage anyway.

Lazy sort of day again. Ah well.

Energy level: low

Slept in again.

I suppose I should really try to get some work done today. Although part of me just really can't be bothered. What's the point really? I've been running those simulations for a few times, without a proper set of data and a specific goal there isn't much I can do.

Might go and do some painting instead today. Just to get the thing started.

VERY low energy day today, I know.

Dude, where's my hair?

I did it.

I went and have a hair cut.

Nothing major. I went in thinking I'll just trim the front and cut off all those split ends and what did they do? They cut my hair shorter than I expect them to. As usual.

Anyone ever realise that they almost always cut it too short? Isn't that a dumb thing to do? People will have to wait longer until they go and get a hair cut again. And yet they STILL do it. Maybe they just don't want to work. But really, what's with that? Now I have to wait another 5 months til my next hair cut. I want my hair down to my waist again. It just looked so cool.

Now it's going to take another year or so to grow it that long again. *sigh*

What's that engineer doing with a paintbrush?

Well, playing around with Matlab has proven to be kinda boring, mainly because there's not much data to play with. I might actually clean my desk in my room today, and actually start trying out some painting or something.

I'm not too sure if I mentioned it here or not, but Pete and I are starting a little art project. Partly for the parish fair and partly because we can. They are selling modern artwork for quite a bit of money, and how can put a price of art anyway? :P We just thought if we can combine Pete's poetry with my calligraphy, it might just work...

Well, I don't know. It sounded interesting enough to try anyway. :P

Deep thoughts

So I thought my supervisor is going to be telling me to think about the equations more to see which one makes more sense, but apparently he was very impressed with my interpretation of the equation and said I can play with Matlab instead for this week and I can finally read papers and stuff after that! I was almost in shock after that meeting. I'm actually doing something.

I haven't heard from a friend of mine for quite a while. And yesterday he replied my email saying he's been sick and waiting for more blood test in November. Sometimes I just don't quite know how to reply that. I mean, "I'm sure you'll be fine" doesn't quite cover it does it? He doesn't look all that sick last I saw him. But for him to not be online for this long (and you know us engineers with being online), I'm seriously worried. He's always been a bit morbid, so it's hard to tell whether he's being serious when he says he's dying (of course he always pointed out everyone of us has been slowly dying from the day we're born). Sometimes people think we're still too young to think about death. But then again, it's one of very few thigns that you can be certain of. Just to ignore it isn't making it to go away.

I sometimes suffer from the curse of being way too logical and "scientific", while trying to be at the same time spiritual. I beleive each of us has a soul and one day we'll arrive in heaven. Whether it's just a state of being or a real "place" where soul rests. I believe that you'll meet up with everyone you love in heaven again. Then of course I start to think where is this "soul" coming from? We know our thoughts, memories, and emotions are just electrical signals in that brain of ours, well give of take some chemical and all. How does that translate to a soul? Will we still have our memories when our souls depart?

Thoughts like that can go a lot deeper. And I suppose I probably should stop that sorta thought right now, and grab myself some food. Still haven't had breakie, and I want to come back home in time for Dr Phil. :P

Back to square one

Okay, remember how I said I think I've reached enlightenment? I haven't. Far from it. I've found two versions of the equations, both quoted in different sources. I thought maybe there's a typo in one until I've found about half the sources quoting one and theother one quoted the other. So I tried to fit the equation into the "bigger scheme of things" and hope that fits, and of course you get into all sorts of problems because of how the equations is defined. *sigh*

Anyway, it's going to be a LONG road to enlightenment. I'm still trying me best to figure out which one makes more sense. Otherwise I'm seeing my supervisor today anyway, so maybe he can shine some light into it. (Or tell me I'm not working hard enough :P)

Nonlunarversary... and ranting

Pete and I have been together for nine months now. :)

Okay, now that you guys finished saying "awwww" and be truely happy about this perfect match, I have to whine and complain again :P

Gouemon Japanese Restuarant, in Half Moon Bay: Don't go there. Last night a group of my highschool friends and myself chose there as our "mini-reunion" place, and boy was the service bad! I decided not to compain about serving size because let's face it: Japanese food is never known to be filling. But half a bowl of rice for a set meal? What do they think we're all anorexic? (I just complained about the serving size didn't I? Oops :P)

That aside: the service was the worst I've seen in a LONG time. I've had better service at McDonalds. One of the waitresses "serving" us (and I'm using the word "serving" very loosely here) was not only rude, she decided to dump the dish on the table, and tell us "it's for her". Well, since when does the waitress command the customers anyway? And then there's the fact that she spilled a whole tray of miso soup on my back, when I was wearing a WHITE top?? And spilled it on my new black coat! They didn't even offer to pay for my dry cleaning bill, or pay for the meal, not even a discount!

Pete and I were so grumpy (not to mention still hungry) afterwards that we went to Denny's to have a decent dessert.

On the whole: I'm outraged! Otherwise I wouldn't have come online and update my blog on a Saturday. Spread the word and stop people going there. o_O I'm going to Daikoku instead. They have teppanyaki prawn there too anyway.

/better stick to Italian food...

Now for something completely different

So yesterday instead trying to research and reach enlightenment, I spend a good half of yesterday's afternoon changing the look of my computer. :P Pretty theme, and change the skin of whatever I can. It's a lot darker and a lot more suited to me now I think. I suppose I do like darker colours.

Then I'm having a dilemma about which ringtone to download. I like changes every now and then. Again, the attention span of a ferret doesn't help. Really need new things constantly to keep me going.

Anyway, back to work. Think I've already wasted enough time as it is.

The Vicious Sleep Cycle

I couldn't sleep last night. Mainly due to the fact that I woke up around noon yesterday. That means I didn't get to sleep until late, and didn't wake up today til 11:30, again.

It's a vicious cycle. I need to find an excuse to wake up early. An excuse good enough so I'd stick to it. Just saying "I'll wake up early to work" doesn't quite work, because I'll just tell myself "meh, I'll sleep for a bit longer and work harder instead".

I remember ages and ages ago I used to get up ridiculously early every Sunday just to go to mass, because there's a cute boy there. Sad as it might be it's the kind of logic a 13 year old would follow. Idon't really get motivated to get up to see cute guys anymore, so I guess I'd need a better motivation.

I tried McDonalds breakfast. That didn't work. I tried to tell myself if I get up early I can have bacon for breakfast. That didn't work either. So obviously food isn't gonna do it (heck, if bacon fails nothing can wake me up).

It's hard, to think of something that'd motivate me to wake up early. Doesn't help that I rate sleep above almost everything. *sigh*... maybe I will just have to make it up by working a lot faster and more efficient...

More distractions than you can shake a stick at!

Seriously, I thought by staying at home I won't be as distracted. Most of the time I'm at uni I'm either chatting with other people or lining up to buy coffee. Home is quiet. I got all I need here, and I'm STILL distracted.

What I really need is an office with absolutely NOTHING but a text book, pen and paper, and a computer that runs nothing but Matlab. Actually, I'll most likely STILL be distracted. I have the attention span of a ferret.

So far today I've watched a bit of Dr Phil, went out have lunch, and renewed my IEEE membership. Lame? Yeah pretty much. I'm still hoping I can finish my intro thingy today which summarise my quest to enlightenment so far.

Anyway, back to work I go...

Gilmore Girls

So, I was gonna go out for lunch until I found new stock of instant noodles at home (Seafood and XO sauce. Can you blame me?) I was watching Dr Phil while I was eating it, and thought I'll channel surf a little until I finish my lunch. Then there it was, on TV2: Gilmore Girls. The older stuff that I missed. It was the episode when Dean broke up with Rory the first time.

It's almost bitter sweet, remembering the first heartbreak. Sometimes I still wonder how he's doing now. Although some may argue that it's just to get back at him (well, maybe it's partly that), I sometimes wonder whether he's doing fine. I still see him around the labs sometimes. Just a shadow that dodges my line of vision. Doubt he'd like to catch up anyway.

Am I still mad at him? I really don't know. I know I was crying for a LONG time, but it's been so long ago though that it just doesn't really matter anymore. (Besides I'm insanely happy right now.) Sometimes I wonder if we could still be good friends should nothing happened. Then again, should that never happened I probably won't even know Pete. Life's funny like that isn't it? So there you go.

Anyway, away from the memory lane, this week is going to be a productive week. Mark my words. Supervisor wants me to do a short informal presentation to him about my progress so far and explain what where I'm up to so far. At least I have something to work towards to.

Monday ranting

So. How was everyone's weekend? What do people think about Dick Hubbard becoming the new Auckland Mayor? Anyone else living under the Manukau districts think it's unfair that we don't have a say?

Not that I have anything against Hubbard. In fact I think it's wonderful. No more stupid V8 racing in Auckland central. I mean, what were they thinking when they proposed the idea anyway? Were they even thinking? As if traffic isn't bad enough already. I still think Hubbard should consider giving out cereal as a reward for not
driving and using public transport. For a box of his feijoa cereal, I can bus into uni.

Anyway, Monday morning as usual is kinda slow. I'm just reading my notes at the moment, refreashing my little head as to what exactly I did for the past 2 weeks. I didn't think I did much but once I read my notes, it's quite a bit of reading there. And A LOT of icky maths.

Walked in from Mt Eden today and that helps me to wake up. The idea that I MIGHT get my laptop today helps too. Although I won't hope for too much. I've been disappointed way too many times. At this rate Petey might get his laptop from work before I do. And he works for the church. (No offence. But I'd expect the engineering department to be slightly more efficient when it comes to getting computer equiptment than, say, the Catholic church.)

Blah blah blah, still hoping it'd be a long week ahead, which means being productive. Wishful thinking. I know.

/Still don't have a clue who won the Manukau mayor election...

The convenience of technology

Read on Slashdot today that Google is starting an SMS search service. Before you guys all get paranoid about Google assessing your SMS: no, it's searching on the go using SMS message.

I particularily like the points they've listed as to "why you should use Goggle SMS". That includes "Look up dictionary definitions to expand your vocabulary or prove a point." Charming. Can you imagine having a heated argument with someone and they have to consult their cell phone every so often to make a point? (George W Bush should take notes on this service. Surly it'll save a lot of embarrassment should he actually knows what the big words that the reporters are using.)

I do think that Google search might actually be useful though, for things like finding restaurants and checking out prices when shopping. Although it's one of those technology that makes me think whether technology is really spoiling us.

There's a very fine line between convenience and absurdness. Look at the toilet in Japan which lets you regulate the temperature of the toilet seat. Some folks might consider that as being convenient. Others decided it's crazy, and rather not sit on a warm toilet seat. Where to draw the line?

Nowadays, everything is all "mobilised" and information just follows wherever you go. I don't really know whether it's a good thing. Surely it saves time. But for what? What are we doing with all these time that are "saved"? it's not like we do much anyway, and now even when we're shopping we can do that at the comfort of our own home, they would even deliver the goods to our doorsteps. All these convenience... for what? Not like I'm getting enough exercise, I was counting on shopping to be my main source of exercise.

Maybe I can blame the advance in technology for my weight.

Random Research Poem

Numbers, symbols, Greek alphabets
The integral signs did nothing to integrate them
They remain as they are
Their meanings still obscure
The train of thoughts starts to wonder
Signals transform into patterns
Patterns slowly fading
Image of the coming weekend appears
Shake head
Breathe
Concentrate
The pen moves my hand into doodles
Shake head
Breathe
Concentrate
The function domains dance in my head
Miss frequency is changing partner from time to Doppler
Shake head
Breathe
Concentrate
Time wasted on blogs
Another sip of tea
And behold
It's 5 o'clock.

Three-month report

I've been stressed out for a wee while now. Partly because three months is almost up and my supervisor is writing my 3-months report soon. My output for the research is currently zilch. But he assure me that for 3 months, he didn't really expect me to have done much. I would've been lucky enough if I can get the whole time-frequency analysis thing around my head.

Honestly: what do they expect us to do in 3 months? Most of the time for a PhD we don't even know for sure what the topic is going to be. 3 months has enough time for us to read up on things and try a few things on Matlab. That's about it. Even my surprivisor thought it's just silly to require a report within 3 months.

Ah well, less typing and more reading. Gonna try to finish the chapter I'm on today, and then try my best to summarise everything I've done once my supervisor is back.

Rock on!

The life of a postgrad research student when the supervisor is away consist of A LOT of time wasting. TV watching is one of my favourite "pass time". (As is "passing time so I don't have to read about maths.) And today on Dr. Phil, a mother wonders whether it'd be a good idea for the 11 year old daughter to get a electric guitar for christmas. And I'm so impressed that Dr. Phil actually agree and bought the electric guitar for her!

Really, rock music is not "evil". Goth is not evil. I found it annoying when the mother in that show keep saying "I'm just worried that she might start dressing in Goth and turn into a rock star." What's wrong with dressing in Goth? It's a lot better than dressing in slut-wear. Just because it's black and a bit morbid does not make it "evil". Okay, so I hear you say "they're druggies!" Well, put it this way: if they're going to do drugs, they're going to do drugs whether they're dressed in Goth or not. Doing drugs probably doesn't mean they're "evil" either. You got to ask yourselves why people are into drugs at the first place.

I went through the whole dress in black phase too. Just because people like the darker shades and steer away from mainstream doesn't not make them freaks.

The world will be a better place if we'd just learn to live with everyone else. Really. Trust me.

Email Etiquette

Okay, it's time for yet another etiquette lesson.

Now, email is not something you want to abuse. People nowadays don't have all that much time. Spamming is bad, mmmkay? When people is organising something, sit back, let the people do the organising, and just reply to that person and not the whole group. Unless the informaion is interesting to everyone, including those who doesn't care as long as they get the date and time and place, don't send it to everyone.

It's not an efficient way to orgainse things. People will skim read because there's too much information and not enough time. The fact that someone is organising means that they are supposed to keep track of who replied and who hasn't.

*sigh*

Back to TRYING to get something done. I'm determined to have a lot done by the time my supervisor is back from his conference. Just something nice and impressive. Fat chance of that happening, but won't hurt to try... :P

Unproductive, again

So I've decided that I can't stand the year's worth of ironing piling up in my mum's room and decided to actually take of the task. In this household people have this idea that if you pile up ironing for long enough someone will come around and do it. Well, then again I never really mind to do the ironing, just that I never seem to remember to do so. Ah well, that's almost a whole day gone. At least now people have shirts and blouses again.

Anyway, gonna try to increase productivity soon and do some reading. I hate slow weeks. It sometimes scares me that I haven't done much at all...